Wednesday, 20 June 2012

In these decadent times it is all too easy to forget the theological strictures of our Order and we are therefore most indebted to the Reverend Rudge for arranging this brief sojourn to Northern France the purpose of which, as seen in the photograph above, was to provide an environment for quiet contemplation and spiritual renewal.

On arrival at the charming French town of Le Mans the Reverend Rudge led us to small field in which we were to erect rudimentary dwellings stripped of all frippery and ostentation. These were arranged around a simple altarpiece (see below) on which were placed some of the holy relics familiar to all within the order.

As the chronicler of our Order it is incumbent upon me to provide a complete and unvarnished account of our pilgrimage and to this end it behoves me to record, albeit regretfully, that one of the most abstemious amongst us has undergone a prolonged period of demonic possession. It is unfortunate that Father Alaric exposed himself to this possession by consuming large amounts of Pastis, a herbal tonic much admired by the local populace. Having completed its dastardly task eventually the demon took flight and Father Alaric was once again restored to his former state.

Father Dennis, one of the most devout members of our order, is renowned for his ability to achieve a higher state of being. He does this by employing a meditative technique known as Fallofmechair that requires him to thrust his considerable frame backwards whilst still seated. This can of course put him at risk of serious injury but fortunately other brothers are usually on hand to restore Father Dennis to his former position. Father Dennis is also an exponent of Meanderination; a method of spiritual enlightenment that involves walking in undulating arcs in the direction of an unknown destination.

The brothers awake before dawn in order to prepare food, Brother David can often be seen breaking open a boilinthebagrice sachet in order to feed the multitude that has come to rely on the order’s charity whilst Brother Jenks prefers the more traditional method accompanied by a Sufi-like chant of wheresthefuckingwater as he prepares to infuse individually prepared rice grains. Today the Reverend Rudge has graciously sanctioned the inclusion of pigs testicles as an accompaniment to the evening meal and Brother Jenks is clearly delighted at the prospect as they hang behind him.

Renowned for his constant endeavor Brother Julian is will spare no opportunity in which to entertain visitors to our humble abode on the benefits of rigorous self-flagellation. Here a novice nun is clearly enthralled by the level of detail that Father Julian is providing.

An essential part of our pilgrimage were long walks undertaken by the brothers in order to purge the aforesaid of any lustful urges and it was during one of these excursions that we chanced to meet three members of The Order of The Rolled Sock whose novel attire is a feature of this delightful order famed for their transvestsubstantiation. Father Alaric seems to be enjoying the encounter.

Our Order of course eschews any form of motorised transport and we take every opportunity to persuade others of  its sinful nature. Here brothers Julian, Ian and Andrew assist the Reverend Rudge in his effort to dissuade those who take pleasure in this obnoxious activity.

Brother David is committed to ecumenical dialogue. He can be see here during an intense theological discussion with members of the Order Me Frickin Gin.

Within our Order the Reverend Rudge is acknowledged to posses extraordinary powers and these are much in demand by the townswomen of Le Mans. During our brief stay many crippled and infirm are brought before him to be blessed with his healing touch. But he is in particular demand by the barren women of the town whereupon with the laying on he can relieve their symptoms and within nine months they would surely be with child. In order to assuage their anxiety he will first place them in an hypnotic trance before using his tremendous gift.

Le Mans is famous for its 24 hour walking race and the brothers are keen to enter it as extreme pain and seriously debilitating effects have been promised for all who complete this grueling undertaking.

Father Dennis proves once again his prowess for athletic pursuits. His triumph of course comes at a considerable cost but his delight can be seen in the accompanying photograph.

Considering himself to be the natural favourite for such an event Father Graham's shame in defeat proves too much for him to bear as he dons our Order's traditional hat of shame reserved for such occasions.

Despite spending most of the day in religious devotion the brothers are allowed some time in which to relax and a favoured leisure activity is walking barefoot over hot coals. The pain is of course excruciating but the cleansing effect is considerable. Here the preparation is underway.

Father Julian and Father Graham are among out order's most devout and Father Aleric's call to prayer is instantly heeded.

It is with profound sadness that we have to announce the sudden passing from this world of Father Graham. His demise comes after a period of prayer and fasting. Overcome with emotion the Reverand Rudge remarked "who is he again?" Wrapped in the order's familiar burial shroud he awaits internment.

Although long periods of fasting are an essential part of our order's devotional activities an allowance is made for the consumption of water sufficient to prevent death. Here Brother David and Brother Jenks along with Father Dennis can be seen about to imbibe small quantities of aqua vitae.

The parish of Le Mans is generous in its provision of prayer walls with conveniently located collection tins. Here the brothers are about to make a donation.

We are of course a celibate Order but our pastoral duties include ministering to those have the misfortune to be married. In order to accomplish this task the Reverend Rudge has seen fit to arrange helpful seminars in which the brothers can, in what I understand in common parlance is referred to as "role play", attempt to appreciate the mysterious workings of the female mind. Here Brother Andrew demonstrates how convincing this masque can be. He can be seen on the right without this cunning disguise.

The Reverend Rudge takes every opportunity to abhor the twin evils of motorised  transport and the demon drink. Here he is joined by Brother Ian as they confront these abominations, prior to destroying both.

Brother Julian shows typical missionary zeal as he attempts to convert a bystander.

Prior to his unfortunate demise Father Graham was adept at collectiong rainwater in which members of our Order were able to bathe.

Brother Jenks can be seen here meditating before a strenuous afternoon of fundraising. Here he demonstrates that his collection tin is almost full.

On witnessing a miracle the Brothers appear somewhat confused as to its whereabouts.

Finally we are gratefull to Brother David for his strenuous efforts in maintaining a visual record of our stay in Le Mans.